Random Rants

So maybe it’s because it’s that lovely time of month or maybe it’s because the sunshine has been playing hide and seek with me or maybe it’s just because some people are hella annoying but here’s some ranting I just had to get off my chest today:

Bathroom Etiquette:

When using someone’s personal bathroom, here are a couple of things to consider.

1. Boys - please have some common courtesy and put the toilet seat back down if you are using a lady’s bathroom. If you’re using a guy’s bathroom, then go ahead and leave it up.

2. Learn to differentiate between a bath towel and a hand towel. A bath towel is used for one’s body. A hand towel is used for…yup, your hands. Get it straight….because it is hella annoying when I get out of the shower and get ready to dry off and feel a damp-ass bath towel. Oh and don’t even get me started on face towels…

3. Splashers beware. You know who you are. You go to wash your face or brush your teeth and the aftermath looks like a mini-tsunami hit the sink. I offer free tutorials if you need one. And if you just can’t help it, I concede but please wipe the water off.

Now, onto public bathrooms:

1. Don’t be a yellow splasher. As in, don’t pee all over the toilet. If you’re a guy, there’s really no excuse. You can control the direction of your pee. Hold it, aim it and go for it. Shame on you. If you’re a gal, do yourself a favor and use toilet seat covers so you can sit your ass down. If you must squat - fine…but if you miss and pee all over the toilet, take your hand, grab some toilet paper and wipe your yellow business up.

2. Flush. I repeat, flush. How can grown-ass folks forget to flush? Also, look behind before you leave the stall to make sure that you flushed or got it all in one go cuz no one wants to see your shit. Thanks.

3. This one’s directed to the chatty folks. Please refrain from talking to me when I’m doing my business. I don’t want to talk to you. It’s creepy…so stop.

4. So all the ladies out there know that the women’s room always has some sort of line. Don’t be shady and cut in front of everyone! This happened to me a few days ago and I really, REALLY had to go #1. Some girl just walked in front of me and into the stall. I was thisclose to breaking down that damn door and peeing all over her. DAMN.

Gym Etiquette:

1. After you use a machine, wipe it down with a towel because trust me, it ain’t cute to have someone’s stanky ass sweat all over a machine.

2. Don’t be a hog. If you’re using a machine that I want to use, it’s all gravy. I’ll find something else and come back. But if I return after an hour and you’re still using the same machine, your ass needs to get off before I leave a permanent imprint on your butt cheeks.

3. If you’re a dirty old man, don’t try to spit your game at me. It’s gross. You’re like my grandpa except my grandpa is sweet, wise and handsome in his old age. You’re just nasty. Don’t try to touch me and please, please, please do NOT call me sweetie or honey.That shit makes me want to kick you in your saggy balls.

4. Keep grunting within reasonable parameters. I get it, you’re working out hard. You grunt a little. It’s cool. It’s even kind of hot sometimes. Then there’s the crazies that grunt so loud that it scares the crap out of me. THERE IS NO NEED TO GRUNT LIKE A PIG ABOUT TO GET SENT TO THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE.

Driving/Parking Etiquette:

1. When driving, use your blinkers or don’t be surprised if someone rear ends you.

2. Pretending like you need help and then laying on some cheesy ass line is lame, not hot. Case in point: I’m driving back from school and this guy is flailing his arms like a crazed person. I roll down my windows and ask if everything is alright. His response: “You. Me. Let’s get together. What’s your number?” WTF?!

3. To those on road bikes: You don’t fucking own the road so get over yourselves. If you want practice, try a trail or somewhere with less traffic. If you’re biking in the CITY, stick to the bike lanes and don’t try and pull crazy shit b/c sooner or later, your face will have an unpleasant meeting with the cement.

4. If I’ve been signaling for a good mile or so, let me over you dick wad. I need to exit off the hwy. Speeding up is a asshole move and you are a huge ASSHOLE.

5. When parking, it’s pretty much first come, first serve. If you’ve already passed an open spot and someone else is pulling in, a) do not put it in reverse, b) do not drive around, honk and act like a fool and c) don’t try to get all up in my face inside the point of destination.

Last but not least, a few things when it comes to guests:

Okay, I have to preface this with saying that I love having guests over. I’m a social creature by nature so it makes me happy to host people. That said, there are a few pet peeves that I could do without. Common theme: Food.

1. If you eat my food, it’s all gravy. My mama raised me to share. Eat it. Savor it. Tell me how good it is and I might fill up the pantry/fridge with more of the goods. BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE, save me the last bite…ESPECIALLY if it is a cookie or chocolate. You just don’t mess with a woman’s sweets. It’s malicious. It makes me want to smile at you, then punch you in the face because that’s how I feel when you take the last bite :(

2. If you do finish something, courtesy calls for replacing it or letting me know so I can get more. Don’t just leave the empty milk carton there and make me believe that I will have milk to accompany my regular cereal fix in the morning. That’s just mean.

3. If you eat something, break it off with your hands. Don’t nibble into it like some sort of rodent. I don’t want to share saliva or germs. It’s nasty. Besides, I know your ass is the one who’s been eating my food. It’s pretty simple. If it wasn’t me or my house mate, it was you. So don’t walk around like a sneaky ho. Eat openly. Ask if you need something. I promise I’ll share…as long as I get the last bite, that is.

Okie dokie, that about ends my venting session. *inhale, exhale*. Ah…all better :)